


Snake Oil

by Dimity Blue (Arnie)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 19:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arnie/pseuds/Dimity%20Blue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"For thick, luscious locks apply twice a day. Also works on beards and foot-hair."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snake Oil

"What's this?"

Kíli froze as Fíli held up a bottle of murky liquid. He'd thought it was wrapped safely in his bedroll.

"Luxurious locks..." Fíli frowned and peered at the tiny writing on the label which Kíli knew was hard to read.

"Nothing! Give it back!" He swiped at the bottle, then followed as his brother stepped back, one arm held out to ward him off as Fíli continued to read.

"For thick, luscious locks -"

"Shut up!" Various members of the company were looking their way now; even the Halfling had paused in rolling up his bedroll to watch. "Fíli!"

"- apply twice a day." Fíli turned the bottle, still managing to keep hold of it as Kíli grabbed for it again.

"What's going on?"

As Mr. Dwalin stepped up, Kíli kicked out and swept his brother's feet right out from under him, but his attempt to pounce and retrieve his belonging was foiled by a strong arm wrapping around his chest and pulling him back.

"It's mine! Make him give it back!"

Kíli wriggled to try to free himself but Mr. Dwalin wasn't letting go and Fíli was now out of reach. It seemed his humiliation was inevitable.

Fíli pushed himself to his feet, giving Kíli a triumphant look as he continued reading. "Also works on..." Fíli's jaw dropped and his eyes met Kíli's, "...beards and foot-hair?! Kíli!"

Mr. Dwalin's grip loosened and Kíli wrenched himself free and yanked the bottle from Fíli's hand. Looking up, he could see the looks of mingled pity and sorrow as the members of the company gazed at him.

"The seller swore it would work." Even to his own ears, his voice sounded small and petulant, and he felt his face redden as he shoved the bottle deep into his bedroll and hoisted it up onto his shoulders.

"Enough of such foolishness. Move out!"

Never more glad to hear his uncle's order, Kíli hurried to take point, ignoring everyone he passed. He wished they were closer to Erebor; the dragon would have distracted everyone, even his brother.

For a while, he was left to walk alone but, inevitably, Fíli caught him up and nudged his shoulder with his own.

"It is not such a terrible thing."

Kíli threw him a glare.

"Uncle's own beard is not so long as it could be."

Fíli obviously thought him a fool; their uncle chose to keep his beard trimmed. As opposed to Kíli who couldn't grow a proper one at all.

"You will grow one soon," Fíli urged, apparently forgetting he had been saying that since Kíli became a fully-grown Dwarf. A facial-hair-challenged Dwarf, at that. "You are not so very old."

Furious and hurting, Kíli grabbed his arm and yanked him to a standstill. "I am older now than you were when you first beaded your beard! I do not have enough beard to braid - let alone enough to put beads in!" His voice dropped as he admitted the ultimate shame. "The Hobbit who sold me that potion mistook me for a... _man._ " There, it was out, and he took comfort in the horrified, goggle-eyed look Fíli was giving him. "He said I should buy a growth potion and worry about my height rather than growing a beard."

After a long, silent pause, Fíli said, "I bet his growth potion doesn't work either."

Kíli took the time to roll his eyes before punching him in the arm.

~~~

It wasn't until they were settling down for the night that Bilbo approached Kíli. "Um...that bottle," he said, his voice hesitant. "You didn't buy it from Orno Bracegirdle, did you?"

Kíli looked up, surprised that Bilbo knew who'd sold it to him. "Shouldn't I have done?"

Bilbo fidgeted, his gaze not meeting Kíli's. "You didn't drink any of it, did you?"

"No, I just rubbed it on my face." Kíli produced the bottle, feeling better about the whole thing now he was faced with Bilbo's discomfort. "It says to rub -"

"Uh, yes." Bilbo's hand closed around the bottle, and he gently tugged it from Kíli's hand. "I'll get rid of it for you."

"What happens if you drink it?" Fíli asked.

To Kíli's surprise, Bilbo blushed a deep, dark red. "Um...it's only rumour. Nobody ever said..." He retreated, taking the bottle with him.

Kíli looked at Fíli, then they got to their feet and followed him to a nearby rabbit-hole. "Nobody ever said what?"

Even though the light was failing, it was enough to see that Bilbo's face remained red as he fumbled with the cork of the bottle, finally removing it, then tipped the contents down the rabbit-hole. That done, he sighed, a look of relief on his face as he corked the bottle and chucked it away. "Well, goodnight."

"Wait a minute!" Kíli snagged his arm. "That potion was supposed to help me grow a beard -"

Bilbo shook his head. "Orno only sells one kind of potion - he adds different labels depending on what people want, but it's all the same potion."

"That's cheating!" Kíli said, feeling rather aggrieved.

"So what does the potion actually do?" Fíli put in, an insistent tone in his voice.

That blush was back. "Like I said, it's only rumour -"

"What's it supposed to do, then?" Kíli demanded, his patience evaporating.

"Um...uh..."

Behind them, they heard Dwalin snicker, then Balin joined in, and soon almost all the members of the company were laughing - even their uncle was looking amused. Only Ori seemed as confused as they were.

Kíli turned his attention back to Bilbo. "Well?!"

"Goodnight!"

As Bilbo disappeared to the other side of the fire, Kíli looked at Fíli, who shrugged. Annoyed, Kíli stomped his way back to his bedroll. There went his chance to grow a beard like Mr. Balin's.

The end.


End file.
